The things I have seen part one....

Nothing like seeing a really old, hunched woman with no teeth wearing a shirt that says "Single and really ready to mingle." My guess is that she doesn't know a word of English.

Taxi Cab Tales: Part Two

The other day I climbed into a cab very early in the morning, ready to mentally check out and attempt to crawl out of my comatose state. After handing the energetic cab driver a paper with my destination of choice on it he then barks at me

"English Teacher?"

I respond in my pathetic Korean "Nay" which in turns results in an uproar of laughter as if I had said something so positively hilarious the only result would be to piss ones pants.

I muster up a kind half smile half "eat shit" grin as the crazy man starts rambling in Korean to me. Evidently my simple "yes" in Korean meant that I was fluent in his native language. "No-korean" I said over and over again while he just talked and talked as if we were old friends playing catch up. He also had his arm around the passenger seat looking back at me in the back seat while maintaining eye contact during this conversation instead of watching the road. Every so often he would say something that would really crack himself up as I just pitty laughed along. Finally at a very short lull in his nonsensical ramblings I yanked out my ipod craving the escape my music could provide. He then looked back at me again and started singing Korean songs louder and more obnoxious than any human being should be permitted to sing at. Apparently he disapproved of my musical choices and felt the need to entertain me with his. This lasted until I reached my destination (20 minutes later). I felt obligated to tip him, he was very proud of himself. My ears haven't been the same since. I also don't really like Korean music.

Apparently I am failing as an English teacher...

Failure number one:

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, I am going to give you an easy question.... What direction does the rain go??"

Student (in a burst of triumph) "NOUN!!!!!"

Jenni Teacher: "Um, no." (gulp) "Not, even close. We're going to have to work on your English skills."

Failure number two:

In preparation for an upcoming test we were reviewing vocabulary words. Thus the basis for this story.... (the vocab word is LAUNCH)

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, I am thinking of one of your words. It is what an airplane or rocket ship does to go from the ground to the sky....."

Students: ***blank stares as if I barked at them verses speaking a language they are pretty fluent in**

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, how about a clue....."

This in turn excites the comatose Asians in the room as if I am providing them with the answer in lieu of them having to exert any brain power....

Jenni Teacher: "This word is very similar spelling to the word lunch...." (much bigger clue than I anticipated)

One student then went FLYING out of his chair, hands up in the air bouncing like he was shaking a turd out of his pants, claiming he knew the answer to my question but acting like he knew the answer to all of life's unanswered ones.....

"SUPPER" he screamed at the top of his lungs before collapsing in a huff of triumph in his seat. I had nothing to say, I still don't. Supper was not one of our vocab words.

Three men, one hostel room and me....

Should be ideal right?!?!?! VERY WRONG! Allow me to back track. I came to Korea with no visa since my time line did not allow for me to obtain such an item before departing American soil. Thus, I was in Korea "visiting a friend and happened to find a job and need a visa." In other words my school paid for me to go to Japan for a few days to obtain said visa and re-enter the country with it. I got to miss two days of school and explore the country of Japan on their dime. Pretty great deal if you ask me.

Upon landing in Japan I had the immediate satisfaction that I had when I landed in Korea. It was a wave of overwhelming feelings of knowing that I am in a country that no one in my family has been to and it is a whole new land that I get to explore and report back on. Pretty exciting. So I was waiting in line at customs clutching my passport, paperwork and reading over the directions to the consulate for the milltionth time. I noticed some English speakers in the snaked line and once we crossed paths I asked them if they were here for a visa as well. They informed me that they were and I asked if they wouldn't mind me tagging along with them to the consulate since we were all heading in the same direction. The girl then turns to her friend next to her and says in a very defeatist attitude "Ug, do we have time for this?" I was slightly taken aback in thinking that I would happen to slow them down if we all move at the same pace (especially given the height of her shoes). I then informed her that I was heading right there after the airport and that I would not be any trouble, just thinking it would be nice to have someone to talk to. She said fine almost like she was agreeing to wipe the ass of the Korean attendant ushering us through the line. After little consideration I decided that I didn't need to waste any of my time with this awful girl and her cronies so upon passing by them again, I told them I didn't want to slow them down and wished them luck. Her graceful response was "yeah, I was going to let you know that we are just going to go on our own, my manager doesn't want anything slowing us down." Ok, you bitch I get it as I mouthed the words "my manager" in my brain. So I breezed through immigration then customs then found my way to the subway, took the train to the right station, walked the 20 minutes to the consulate, filled out my paper work and was on my way out of the consulate when guess who walks in..... bitch face herself!!! I f-ing beat them there!!! Sucker! Her only response was "oh I guess you are smarter than us" damn straight I am!!! It was a pretty short lived proud moment of mine.

After such a wonderful triumph I climbed yet another mountain and managed to sniff out not only a Starbucks but a Starbucks with a GAP next door. God Bless you Japan! I felt like I was at home or had managed to find my mecca. Naturally I ordered myself the biggest coffee frappuchino I could order, drank it brain freeze and all as I whispered to my beverage "you taste like America." After a bit too long, I managed to drag myself out of the wonderful walls of my beloved coffee shop and walked around a Japanese mall. Nothing great, not quite what I expected but I wasn't really there to shop. It was as if my brain was on American food as I rounded to corner and walked right into a Hard Rock Cafe without even thinking. Burger, real cow meat, cheese, fries, burger, burger, burger I chanted in my head as I plopped down in a seat and as if by some miracle my wish was set down in front of me. I ended that burgers existence in about 15.25 seconds. When you have been living in a country where you suspect every item of meat placed in front of you to be someones pet you really come to relish what you know to be a real burger. Facing me at another table was a cute looking non Asian man looking through a Japanese travel book. After much back and forth awkward eye contact I finally asked him if he knew of anywhere interesting to go in this town. He came and sat down next to me and we started chatting for a while. It was nice to have someone to talk to in an unfamiliar land. We ended up spending the next 6 hours exploring Japan together and chatting up a storm. It is funny when you form friendships with complete strangers and then they disappear in a train station after a handshake and a nice to meet you. Strange to think I will never meet him again. Oh well.

This brought me to my hostel. When I was booking the place I tried to opt for an all female dorm room but had no luck and had to settle for a coed dorm which I could basically care less about. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. Exhausted after walking nearly 10 miles around the HOT streets of Japan I plopped down on my bed and started reading my book waiting to see who else occupied the room. I attempted to judge the character of the other residents from their luggage and clothing hanging around the room but it did me little good, sheer proof that you can't really judge people until you get to know them. Roomate number one enters.... 45 year old Korean man wearing a nasty flesh colored polo shirt and shorts that were too short for any valley girl to wear. This wonderful gentleman started each broken english sentence with "um excuse me but... (insert inquiry here)" it didn't matter if we were in the middle of a conversation or not. I felt like he was insecure talking to me or something. He was the only one that attempted to exchange words. Roomate number two was apparently a mute because he said nothing and made no noise yet was keen to relax in nothing but his Calvin Klein white boxer briefs. European I suspect. Roomate number three, Asian to some degree, he wore a Louis Vutton fanny pack at all times and in the morning I caught him blow drying his hair into place. Any girl would be delighted to find herself in a room with three men but I think I managed to collect the three international odd balls the hostel could wrangle up. Lucky me.

Now I know that Japan is very proud of their technology but there are some things that do not need to be technologically hyped up like a toilet seat. I have never been so confused at an item in my life. Next to the seat is a series of buttons. If you are having trouble peeing then you can have the sound of not one but four different waterfall noises playing. They also have buttons to lift each seat, buttons for ahem... cleaning certain areas, etc. The only thing I could not figure out is where the f-ing flush was!!! Some bathrooms had arrows pointing to the flush thank god otherwise I left my business in there hoping some toilet fairy would come and get rid of it.

Japan was great overall, I would definitely go back at some point. I did manage to score a set of Kama Sutra Sake glasses and I especially enjoyed all the ground crew at the airport bowing to our plane at take off. It was my first trip alone and I felt very successful and empowered. Pathetically, I did not even eat any Japanese food but I did find a KFC with Colonel Sanders wearing a kimono!! Success.

My apologies...

To my dear blog readers, I must apologize for my lack of recent updates. I have very pathetic excuses for my behavior but I promise to discontinue it from now on. I hope the next few weeks worth of updates will make up for it. Please don't lose faith in me!!! Thanks!

Jeju Island

Three weeks into my job we had one of our two weeks break. Unfortunate timing for me but amazing none the less. A bundle of us from school as well as a smattering of other teachers from schools in the area infiltrated the Jeju Hiking Inn, a delightful shit hole of a hostel where I shared my bed with cockroaches and my bathroom with dark black hair that meant the previous tenant must have been scalped to death in our shower. The hostel made up for it's nastiness by providing it's residents with kind service and free international skyping as long as you can handle the deadly kimchi scent that flowed from the refrigerator like vapors on a path to kill. The hostel had an amazing roof top which provided us with endless drunken encounters and broken seats, safe to say, we were pretty much drunk or sleeping at this place.

Most days were spent on the beach where I was looked at like scum for attempting to sun tan. Koreans fear the sun, in fact they soak themselves in whitening cream in order to resemble the color of zombies. They also designate a very tiny piece of the ocean so their power hungry lifeguards can patrol easier. This meant that any one attempting to swim was going to fight to the death for a piece of the ocean, however said swimmer was also going to contend with each Asian having not only a life preserver but also a flotation device around the mid section and usually holding hands with anyone near them. Needless to say, I stayed on the sand and watched as waves took out hords of swimmers who drowned simply because of overpopulation of the sea. Welcome to Asia.

When we were not at the beach we explored the rest of the island. Jeju is home to the worlds longest lava tube which was awesome. A nice escape from the blistering heat and interesting in the same regard if you are the kind of person who enjoys walking through dark, damp caves, where lava once reigned. I happen to be that person. We also walked/ran through a great human hedge maze, giggling like school girls the entire time trying to beat the person ahead of us while Asians strolled through as if it were a garden walk. They were body checked out of the way. There were also a few gorgeous waterfalls in the area but coming from Oregon, these waterfalls looked like the water was flowing from a bath tub spicket. We found a great market where you could purchase mangos, dragon fruit, pig heads and octopus (dead or alive). The mangos hit the spot, even if they did cost more than my college education.

One day it was declared that a hike was in order to climb to the top of the highest mountain in Korea. 12 miles round trip. Wanting to be a good sport and bond with people I thought to myself "eh, 12 miles will suck but it shouldn't be too bad." WRONG. Taking inventory of my luggage I realized that in lieu of no sports bra I had to climb Mt. Killmenow in my black lacy bra and no knee brace. Thank god I had the good graces to throw in my sneakers. Well as it turns out, whoever built the path to the top of the mountain clearly possessed the ability to fly because this path was the makings of demons. It looked like a rock slide had covered the entire pathway to the top as we bounced from deadly rock to slippery rock. What felt like miles was actually feet as I was passed by 80 year old women who seemed to be dancing up the mountain. Little did they know that I held their capacity of body weight in a single boob as I heaved and breathed my way up the death hill. My group minus two others had long bypassed us as well as Courtney and I sat on the side of the path holding each other and crying. With strong determination, gallons of water, cusses directed at the mountain and it's path maker, we finally made it to the top 5 hours later where any hint of a view was blocked by the clouds. Go figure. Walking down was even harder with a staircase of slippery rocks guiding us to our imminent death. Each step I anticipated by knee buckling and a helicopter coming to our rescue like a mirage in the desert. The scenery on the hike was beautiful, it felt like being in a rain forest but it was clearly not worth it. I couldn't walk for a few days afterwards and I have been suffering from post dramatic stress ever since. I am not even happy I did it. Done bitching. The end.

All over the island are these amazing statues, most made out of the lava rocks. Apparently they are the protectors of the island. Jeju also happens to be the honeymoon destination for Korean lovers. Most stores sell smaller versions of these statues which these couples (and myself) buy. I found out from a Danish lad that if the wife has problems getting pregnant the man will cut the nose off the statue, grind it up and serve it as tea to his reproductively challenged bride (obviously it is the wife who has the problems.) Korean's are obsessed with fertility. I heard too that the bigger a woman's nether region "bush" is, the more fertile she is. Apparently they don't have the same rules in Brazil where they want nothing to do with said bushes. Jeju was a blast overall! Even dealing with Mt. Killmenow, it was well worth it. I can't say that I would honeymoon there but I would consider returning.

My diet has officially started....

Me: "Ok kids, your next spelling word for this week is bulky. Bulky means big, hefty and hard to carry. For example, my backpack was very bulky when I had all my text books inside. Who can use bulky in a sentence."

Little shit: "Jenni teacher is very bulky." **giggle giggle**

Me: "Everyone read quietly as I scrape my pride and self esteem off the tile with a pick ax."