The things I have seen part one....

Nothing like seeing a really old, hunched woman with no teeth wearing a shirt that says "Single and really ready to mingle." My guess is that she doesn't know a word of English.

Taxi Cab Tales: Part Two

The other day I climbed into a cab very early in the morning, ready to mentally check out and attempt to crawl out of my comatose state. After handing the energetic cab driver a paper with my destination of choice on it he then barks at me

"English Teacher?"

I respond in my pathetic Korean "Nay" which in turns results in an uproar of laughter as if I had said something so positively hilarious the only result would be to piss ones pants.

I muster up a kind half smile half "eat shit" grin as the crazy man starts rambling in Korean to me. Evidently my simple "yes" in Korean meant that I was fluent in his native language. "No-korean" I said over and over again while he just talked and talked as if we were old friends playing catch up. He also had his arm around the passenger seat looking back at me in the back seat while maintaining eye contact during this conversation instead of watching the road. Every so often he would say something that would really crack himself up as I just pitty laughed along. Finally at a very short lull in his nonsensical ramblings I yanked out my ipod craving the escape my music could provide. He then looked back at me again and started singing Korean songs louder and more obnoxious than any human being should be permitted to sing at. Apparently he disapproved of my musical choices and felt the need to entertain me with his. This lasted until I reached my destination (20 minutes later). I felt obligated to tip him, he was very proud of himself. My ears haven't been the same since. I also don't really like Korean music.

Apparently I am failing as an English teacher...

Failure number one:

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, I am going to give you an easy question.... What direction does the rain go??"

Student (in a burst of triumph) "NOUN!!!!!"

Jenni Teacher: "Um, no." (gulp) "Not, even close. We're going to have to work on your English skills."

Failure number two:

In preparation for an upcoming test we were reviewing vocabulary words. Thus the basis for this story.... (the vocab word is LAUNCH)

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, I am thinking of one of your words. It is what an airplane or rocket ship does to go from the ground to the sky....."

Students: ***blank stares as if I barked at them verses speaking a language they are pretty fluent in**

Jenni Teacher: "Ok, how about a clue....."

This in turn excites the comatose Asians in the room as if I am providing them with the answer in lieu of them having to exert any brain power....

Jenni Teacher: "This word is very similar spelling to the word lunch...." (much bigger clue than I anticipated)

One student then went FLYING out of his chair, hands up in the air bouncing like he was shaking a turd out of his pants, claiming he knew the answer to my question but acting like he knew the answer to all of life's unanswered ones.....

"SUPPER" he screamed at the top of his lungs before collapsing in a huff of triumph in his seat. I had nothing to say, I still don't. Supper was not one of our vocab words.

Three men, one hostel room and me....

Should be ideal right?!?!?! VERY WRONG! Allow me to back track. I came to Korea with no visa since my time line did not allow for me to obtain such an item before departing American soil. Thus, I was in Korea "visiting a friend and happened to find a job and need a visa." In other words my school paid for me to go to Japan for a few days to obtain said visa and re-enter the country with it. I got to miss two days of school and explore the country of Japan on their dime. Pretty great deal if you ask me.

Upon landing in Japan I had the immediate satisfaction that I had when I landed in Korea. It was a wave of overwhelming feelings of knowing that I am in a country that no one in my family has been to and it is a whole new land that I get to explore and report back on. Pretty exciting. So I was waiting in line at customs clutching my passport, paperwork and reading over the directions to the consulate for the milltionth time. I noticed some English speakers in the snaked line and once we crossed paths I asked them if they were here for a visa as well. They informed me that they were and I asked if they wouldn't mind me tagging along with them to the consulate since we were all heading in the same direction. The girl then turns to her friend next to her and says in a very defeatist attitude "Ug, do we have time for this?" I was slightly taken aback in thinking that I would happen to slow them down if we all move at the same pace (especially given the height of her shoes). I then informed her that I was heading right there after the airport and that I would not be any trouble, just thinking it would be nice to have someone to talk to. She said fine almost like she was agreeing to wipe the ass of the Korean attendant ushering us through the line. After little consideration I decided that I didn't need to waste any of my time with this awful girl and her cronies so upon passing by them again, I told them I didn't want to slow them down and wished them luck. Her graceful response was "yeah, I was going to let you know that we are just going to go on our own, my manager doesn't want anything slowing us down." Ok, you bitch I get it as I mouthed the words "my manager" in my brain. So I breezed through immigration then customs then found my way to the subway, took the train to the right station, walked the 20 minutes to the consulate, filled out my paper work and was on my way out of the consulate when guess who walks in..... bitch face herself!!! I f-ing beat them there!!! Sucker! Her only response was "oh I guess you are smarter than us" damn straight I am!!! It was a pretty short lived proud moment of mine.

After such a wonderful triumph I climbed yet another mountain and managed to sniff out not only a Starbucks but a Starbucks with a GAP next door. God Bless you Japan! I felt like I was at home or had managed to find my mecca. Naturally I ordered myself the biggest coffee frappuchino I could order, drank it brain freeze and all as I whispered to my beverage "you taste like America." After a bit too long, I managed to drag myself out of the wonderful walls of my beloved coffee shop and walked around a Japanese mall. Nothing great, not quite what I expected but I wasn't really there to shop. It was as if my brain was on American food as I rounded to corner and walked right into a Hard Rock Cafe without even thinking. Burger, real cow meat, cheese, fries, burger, burger, burger I chanted in my head as I plopped down in a seat and as if by some miracle my wish was set down in front of me. I ended that burgers existence in about 15.25 seconds. When you have been living in a country where you suspect every item of meat placed in front of you to be someones pet you really come to relish what you know to be a real burger. Facing me at another table was a cute looking non Asian man looking through a Japanese travel book. After much back and forth awkward eye contact I finally asked him if he knew of anywhere interesting to go in this town. He came and sat down next to me and we started chatting for a while. It was nice to have someone to talk to in an unfamiliar land. We ended up spending the next 6 hours exploring Japan together and chatting up a storm. It is funny when you form friendships with complete strangers and then they disappear in a train station after a handshake and a nice to meet you. Strange to think I will never meet him again. Oh well.

This brought me to my hostel. When I was booking the place I tried to opt for an all female dorm room but had no luck and had to settle for a coed dorm which I could basically care less about. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. Exhausted after walking nearly 10 miles around the HOT streets of Japan I plopped down on my bed and started reading my book waiting to see who else occupied the room. I attempted to judge the character of the other residents from their luggage and clothing hanging around the room but it did me little good, sheer proof that you can't really judge people until you get to know them. Roomate number one enters.... 45 year old Korean man wearing a nasty flesh colored polo shirt and shorts that were too short for any valley girl to wear. This wonderful gentleman started each broken english sentence with "um excuse me but... (insert inquiry here)" it didn't matter if we were in the middle of a conversation or not. I felt like he was insecure talking to me or something. He was the only one that attempted to exchange words. Roomate number two was apparently a mute because he said nothing and made no noise yet was keen to relax in nothing but his Calvin Klein white boxer briefs. European I suspect. Roomate number three, Asian to some degree, he wore a Louis Vutton fanny pack at all times and in the morning I caught him blow drying his hair into place. Any girl would be delighted to find herself in a room with three men but I think I managed to collect the three international odd balls the hostel could wrangle up. Lucky me.

Now I know that Japan is very proud of their technology but there are some things that do not need to be technologically hyped up like a toilet seat. I have never been so confused at an item in my life. Next to the seat is a series of buttons. If you are having trouble peeing then you can have the sound of not one but four different waterfall noises playing. They also have buttons to lift each seat, buttons for ahem... cleaning certain areas, etc. The only thing I could not figure out is where the f-ing flush was!!! Some bathrooms had arrows pointing to the flush thank god otherwise I left my business in there hoping some toilet fairy would come and get rid of it.

Japan was great overall, I would definitely go back at some point. I did manage to score a set of Kama Sutra Sake glasses and I especially enjoyed all the ground crew at the airport bowing to our plane at take off. It was my first trip alone and I felt very successful and empowered. Pathetically, I did not even eat any Japanese food but I did find a KFC with Colonel Sanders wearing a kimono!! Success.

My apologies...

To my dear blog readers, I must apologize for my lack of recent updates. I have very pathetic excuses for my behavior but I promise to discontinue it from now on. I hope the next few weeks worth of updates will make up for it. Please don't lose faith in me!!! Thanks!

Jeju Island

Three weeks into my job we had one of our two weeks break. Unfortunate timing for me but amazing none the less. A bundle of us from school as well as a smattering of other teachers from schools in the area infiltrated the Jeju Hiking Inn, a delightful shit hole of a hostel where I shared my bed with cockroaches and my bathroom with dark black hair that meant the previous tenant must have been scalped to death in our shower. The hostel made up for it's nastiness by providing it's residents with kind service and free international skyping as long as you can handle the deadly kimchi scent that flowed from the refrigerator like vapors on a path to kill. The hostel had an amazing roof top which provided us with endless drunken encounters and broken seats, safe to say, we were pretty much drunk or sleeping at this place.

Most days were spent on the beach where I was looked at like scum for attempting to sun tan. Koreans fear the sun, in fact they soak themselves in whitening cream in order to resemble the color of zombies. They also designate a very tiny piece of the ocean so their power hungry lifeguards can patrol easier. This meant that any one attempting to swim was going to fight to the death for a piece of the ocean, however said swimmer was also going to contend with each Asian having not only a life preserver but also a flotation device around the mid section and usually holding hands with anyone near them. Needless to say, I stayed on the sand and watched as waves took out hords of swimmers who drowned simply because of overpopulation of the sea. Welcome to Asia.

When we were not at the beach we explored the rest of the island. Jeju is home to the worlds longest lava tube which was awesome. A nice escape from the blistering heat and interesting in the same regard if you are the kind of person who enjoys walking through dark, damp caves, where lava once reigned. I happen to be that person. We also walked/ran through a great human hedge maze, giggling like school girls the entire time trying to beat the person ahead of us while Asians strolled through as if it were a garden walk. They were body checked out of the way. There were also a few gorgeous waterfalls in the area but coming from Oregon, these waterfalls looked like the water was flowing from a bath tub spicket. We found a great market where you could purchase mangos, dragon fruit, pig heads and octopus (dead or alive). The mangos hit the spot, even if they did cost more than my college education.

One day it was declared that a hike was in order to climb to the top of the highest mountain in Korea. 12 miles round trip. Wanting to be a good sport and bond with people I thought to myself "eh, 12 miles will suck but it shouldn't be too bad." WRONG. Taking inventory of my luggage I realized that in lieu of no sports bra I had to climb Mt. Killmenow in my black lacy bra and no knee brace. Thank god I had the good graces to throw in my sneakers. Well as it turns out, whoever built the path to the top of the mountain clearly possessed the ability to fly because this path was the makings of demons. It looked like a rock slide had covered the entire pathway to the top as we bounced from deadly rock to slippery rock. What felt like miles was actually feet as I was passed by 80 year old women who seemed to be dancing up the mountain. Little did they know that I held their capacity of body weight in a single boob as I heaved and breathed my way up the death hill. My group minus two others had long bypassed us as well as Courtney and I sat on the side of the path holding each other and crying. With strong determination, gallons of water, cusses directed at the mountain and it's path maker, we finally made it to the top 5 hours later where any hint of a view was blocked by the clouds. Go figure. Walking down was even harder with a staircase of slippery rocks guiding us to our imminent death. Each step I anticipated by knee buckling and a helicopter coming to our rescue like a mirage in the desert. The scenery on the hike was beautiful, it felt like being in a rain forest but it was clearly not worth it. I couldn't walk for a few days afterwards and I have been suffering from post dramatic stress ever since. I am not even happy I did it. Done bitching. The end.

All over the island are these amazing statues, most made out of the lava rocks. Apparently they are the protectors of the island. Jeju also happens to be the honeymoon destination for Korean lovers. Most stores sell smaller versions of these statues which these couples (and myself) buy. I found out from a Danish lad that if the wife has problems getting pregnant the man will cut the nose off the statue, grind it up and serve it as tea to his reproductively challenged bride (obviously it is the wife who has the problems.) Korean's are obsessed with fertility. I heard too that the bigger a woman's nether region "bush" is, the more fertile she is. Apparently they don't have the same rules in Brazil where they want nothing to do with said bushes. Jeju was a blast overall! Even dealing with Mt. Killmenow, it was well worth it. I can't say that I would honeymoon there but I would consider returning.

My diet has officially started....

Me: "Ok kids, your next spelling word for this week is bulky. Bulky means big, hefty and hard to carry. For example, my backpack was very bulky when I had all my text books inside. Who can use bulky in a sentence."

Little shit: "Jenni teacher is very bulky." **giggle giggle**

Me: "Everyone read quietly as I scrape my pride and self esteem off the tile with a pick ax."

Eclipse

Today I got to work and was bumming around the office. My boss Mr. Kim who speaks MINIMAL English and usually just nods in my direction as communication came up to me and said...

Mr. Kim: "You see sun."

Me: (Internal monolog, "honestly? it is 10 a/m of course I have seen the freaking sun") "Um-yes-I-saw-the-sun. Very-hot." While I fan myself for effect.

Mr. Kim: "You see moon?"

Me: (You've got to be kidding me!) "I-don't-see-moon. Too-much-pollution. I-have-not-seen-the-moon-in-3-weeks."

Mr. Kim: "You come me" gesturing for me to follow him as we walk to the window to stare at the sun while my retinas burn away. I still had no idea what he was getting at. Then he pulls out some colorful sheets of see through paper and holds them up to the sun and that is when I notice that there is a full blown eclipse in the process, hence the "you see sun" "you see moon"

Man, I felt like a dumb ass. It was pretty cool though, won't be seen again for 22 years!

Week two

Sometimes I find myself wondering how the hell I got into this nutty situation. Who finds themselves at the age of 24 in Korea teaching P.E to kids who speak a totally different language and a culture that is challenging in itself to understand. It is amazing and shocking at the same time. I wake up each day enthralled with the things I am to see. Couples wearing his and hers matching outfits, dead cats left in a box on your front steps, a fish tanks filled with live octopus and squids, men carrying purses, couples on the train checking each others molars, etc. I feel like I am in a completely different world and I love it. However I wish it was socially acceptable to wear a nose plug around town.

Along with their fanny packs (which still completely rock my world) everyone (Asian) wears face masks. Not just those surgical paper ones, they have them in all sizes (depending on how much of your face you want to cover) and in all different colors and fabric patterns!!! They sell them in all the pharmacies and quickie marts. You can get ones for kids with ducks or princesses on them. I feel like they probably use them as stocking stuffers at Christmas!!! My friend Courtney and I went for a walk along the river a few block from our apartments a few days ago. People were there riding bikes with both their fanny packs and their face mask! Double whammy!!! The pollution here is so bad it is probably healthier to wear those masks but who knows. While on our walk I also noticed that everyone has the same tiny, ugly, rat looking, white dogs. I asked Courtney why they all have the same dog and she said her students said "they are the only ones we don't eat!" I nearly died.

This week I was graced with a terrible, burning sore throat. Thinking it is either me getting used to new germs or something I picked up at mudfest I thought I could ride it out while I lived on a diet of O.J and cough drops. My tonsils then swelled up to the size of testicles which finally brought me to a doctor. Since my insurance hadn't come through yet I was sure it was going to cost a fortune but the entire appointment was only 8 bucks and the drugs were less than 20. I was completely amazed. Korea's have a better grasp on health care than we do apparently.

We have a weeks vacation next week and we are all heading to Jeju Island. Google image it and get jealous!!!!!!

Mudfest!!!!

Where do I begin? Lets put it this way. Mudfest is a massive festival held every year at the coast where everyone does anything you could possible imagine doing in the mud. There were huge blow up slides, obstacle courses, mud wrestling, waterfalls, pools, orgys, etc. Naturally everyone is covered from head to toe in mud, it is in your eyes, your ears and every other bodily place that mud could find its way into. We went with a group of about 20 people, most of us from our school and other friends. Our bus driver from school (who doesn't have a name, he just wants us to call him "bus driver") drove us all to the coast in one of our school buses. We all stayed in a two room condo a block from the beach and basically started drinking on the bus at 11:00 a.m. I would also like to add at this point that beer come in liter bottles here, which as it turns out, is also very helpful when you are in a huge pit of mud, mud on the bottle but the cap keeps the beer safe. So, we get to the condo, basically knockered, change into whatever we choose to get muddy and head to the festivities.

Upon walking I was mauled by a group of mud soaked guys announcing that I was "too clean" as they rubbed themselves all over me. I have never felt more welcomed in my life, it was like heaven. Hahah. So we spent the rest of the afternoon mud wrestling, swimming in the mud, occasionally heading into the ocean to clean off before heading back to the mayhem. We all returned back to the condo where showers were fought over and mud blanketed the floor boards. We all sat on the floor for dinner while meat and veggies were cooked over tiny korean grills on the floor. I think we all had more beer and soju then food. After dinner, drinking games were had as usual then for a midnight swim in the Sea of China to watch the firework show. Everyone pretty much passed out on the rock hard floor wherever they could find room. I had the great disadvantage of sleeping in the hallway but was well worth the three or four hours of sleep that we all had. The next morning was incredibly rough. The bus ride home was pretty silent as we were all nursing the same hangover. It was a sublime first weekend in Korea!!! Felt just like college again!!!

Taxi Cab Tales: Part One

Taxi cabs are a main source of transportation here. Not only do they cost mere dollars to ride in but you also enjoy the luxury of sitting in the front seat in order to see the world the way a cab driver does. Now being a foreigner I feel I tend to draw out the minimal English these wonderfully strange cab drivers can speak. These conversations also happen to be some of the more hilarious ones of my time here. I have also finally managed to properly say my address to the drivers after one man took an entire cab ride teaching me the exact phonemic approach "Shin gok ill dong sa muso." That is the extent of my Korean, here is the extent of their English.

#1

Taxi driver: :You American." (again nothing they say sounds like a question, just a simple factual statement meant to be followed up with an answer of sorts)

Me: (Nodding a bit too intensely as to deflect the whiplash I was receiving from his awful driving) "yes I am"

Taxi Driver: "Ahhhhh, you like kimchi."

Me: (gag reflex in place) "No, not yet." (I follow up with a giggle to make sure he understands I don't mean to insult their terd tasting wonder food)

Taxi Driver: "Ahhhhh, Korea like Kimchi, America like butter."

Me: Yup, that about explains it.

He then went into broken record mode for the remainder of the cab ride saying "American butter" over and over again. Kimchi would probably taste worlds better with some butter on it.

#2

Taxi driver: "You so beautiful."

Me: "Oh, thank you so much, you are very nice."

Taxi driver: "You have husband."

Me: "No, I am not married."

Taxi driver: "Ahhh, that very sad. Very sad, no married." (Thanks man, I appreciate the confidence boost)

Me: "Yeah, I guess so."

Then he proceeded to try to hold my hand the rest of the ride. I thought about letting him, just for kicks.

#3

Here I was with two friends who were in the back seat passing condoms between them while we laughed and joked about American verses Korean condom sizes. The cab driver couldn't see the traded contraband but as I started laughing at something he pointed to me and laughed really, really hard. This strange action made us all stop....

Me: "Do you speak English?" (We have all gotten into the bad habit of assuming that outside of school no one understands us)

Taxi driver: Blank stare

Me: Gesture to ear and mouth attempting to gesticulate what I am asking him.

Taxi driver: "No English." Then he goes into Korean mode while pointing to me.

Me: Turning to the girls in the back seat, still giggling about the possibility of overheard conversations. "What is he saying?"

My one friend who knows Korean fairly well figured out that he was laughing at my laugh and said he has never heard such a loud laugh before. Makes me glad that I can introduce Koreans to new things!!

Where the hell am I?

I used my first "squatter."

And then my second.

I wish I had just held it.

I also wish I had toilet paper.

School Week Survival

Well, week one complete, 51 to go.

Notes on Korea....

1. I have yet to decide whether it is better to breathe through my nose or mouth. The smells in the air remind me of pure sewage mixed with rotten animal carcass and a whiff of motor bike exhaust. Nose, mouth, it is gross either way.

2. I think I am going to start a Goodbye Kitty business. Hello Kitty is so successful, why can't I be?

3. Korean children have no bridge of their nose, watching them try to keep glasses on is sadly hilarious.

4. You cheat death every time you successfully cross a street.

5. If you don't know what you are eating thats probably a good thing.

6. I get pointed at all the time. I have no idea whether it is my boob size they are laughing at or my face. If I am wearing my massive sunglasses then I know it is the former.

7. Cab drivers will spend the entire cab ride teaching you the correct pronunciation of your address so you don't have to point to the spelling on a laminated cheat sheet.

8. Every so often a van comes by with billowing steam pouring out of the contraption on the back. Only after you breath in said steam do you realize that it is bug repellant, choke, keel over and die from poisonous gas inhalation. The neighborhood children love to run after the van and bask in the spray. I will find them dead on the corner someday.

9. Korean children think they know more about Full House then I do. Idiots.

10. I have become an expert on mumbling things that don't even sound remotely like thank you or goodbye but as long as I do it with a wee little bow of the head I feel genuine enough. Maybe I should start learning.

11. Everything outside looks the same. Maybe it is the writing on the buildings. I don't know. There are no indicators like "take a left at the starbucks." All I have to go from is the wall with the waterfall printed on it means I am within a 15 block radius of my home establishment.

12. People in department stores are trained to dance when particular songs come on the speaker. This I am determined to capture on video!

13. I am a master at gesticulating to get what I want. I also seem to talk with my hyphenated language skills, i.e "YOU-GO-WASH-HANDS-NOW" "YOU-WORK-I-SLEEP-IN-CORNER, DON'T-TALK-LOUD", you get the idea, apparently the kids do too. Sometimes.

14. Three year olds speak more English than my boss.

15. There is no such thing as dumpsters or garbage cans for that matter. Bags of trash are discarded on the sidewalk and street until someone decided to move them to another location (most likely the river that runs along my apartment.)

16. There are no Trader Joes in Korea. I asked.

17. You can kill 30 minutes of class time by showing kids American money. They were so intensely interested I am debating about repeating it next week.

18. Our copy machine is in Korean. I'm screwed.

19. My freaking 8 year olds have a cell phone and I don't.

20. It rains here. Monsoon weather they call it. Not sure what to expect.

My Invisible Husband

Any teacher will tell you that kids are OBSESSED with whether or not you are married. Usually in the States when I am asked this question, my non-marital status forces me to inform the curious ankle biter that I am not in fact married. I tend to get reactions such as "then how do you have a job" "but you're soooo old" "does this mean you live with your parents" from children with no verbal filter. One student wanted to hook me up with his newly divorced father and proceeded to call me his new step mother for the rest of the year. However I had one student today......

child: Jenni Teacher, you married. (I end with a period because he was in fact making a statement not asking the question)

me: Does it look like I have a wedding ring on? (I choose to formulate a question)

child: Your wedding ring is invisible.

me: (gesturing to my right hand side) Well yes, then I guess I am married and this here is my invisible husband who is an exact replica of Daniel Craig.

child: you married Michael Jackson (again, not sure whether question or statement)

me: You know who Michael Jackson is???? (shocked since he is about 6 years old, quite impressed as well)

child: YES!!!! He is this...(at this point he sucks his cheeks in and presses on his nose emulating the very essence of the king of pop)

me: (intense laughter mixed with a bits of spit as I was caught completely off guard) HA!

This is why I teach.

Mother of God, they have me teaching gym class!

So, I have officially been "Jenni Teacher" for two days now. Day one I observed two classes in the morning then had my own "second graders" in the afternoon. I am going to put this out there right now for everyone to hear/read/adhere to/ worship/ live/breathe/die for..... I have no plans to ever teach in a classroom with more than 8 kids. Sorry to say that means never returning to the United States. For all you teacher, you know where I am coming from on this. 8 report cards, 8 copies on the xerox, 8 parent teacher conference, 8, ocho, octo, 8. Nuff said. So, I am starting to feel semi good about this whole teaching in Korea business when they inform me that I have a new title, gym teacher. F#*k! Instantly I think of my wardrobe full of dresses, skirts, dress pants, flats, etc. It isn't until I have mentally processed the entire contents of my closet when I realize, how the hell do I teach gym? Luckily I come to find out that gym is only from 10-2 on tuesdays and thursdays. The other days, I am at the disposal of whoever needs me. Whatever, can't be that bad.

WRONG! I got to school today, dressed in some random ensemble of whatever matched my converse sneakers ready to embrace my new classroom gymnasium. I had no idea that gyms came with massive t.v, microphone podiums, plastic houses and tambourines. This will be interesting. The only "gym related" items were a deflated volleyball, dented hula hoops, plastic bats, a balance beam and some soft shapes you can bounce on. John, another teacher who was suckered into teaching gym for a month gave me a few ideas but all I could hear were my thoughts of playing duck duck goose until I get over the jet lag. My first class was a handful of 3 year olds who looked at me like I was some gross substance they saw on the sidewalk when I tried to talk to them. I gave up on the duck duck goose notion and opted for the hokie pokie instead until I get "no teacher, no more hokie pokie." The little shits didn't like my song and dance so I rewarded them with free time since the language barrier at their age is like trying to walk uphill, backwards, on your hands, in the snow. Duck, duck goose worked with the other classes until it turned into "doug, doug, jew." Something else to work on.

Asia and I have met at last.

Well I am here, finally. After all that hell I hope it is worth it. For now I shall define Korea as interesting. I feel COMPLETELY out of my element. I guess the first sign should have been the double decker 747 vessel that bought me here jam packed with 98% Asian's and 2% other (obviously I fell into the other category) Somehow I was placed right next to a fellow American who had the wild disadvantage of scoring a middle seat on a 12 hour flight. He was so cute I would have maybe considered offering to switch with him half way through if he hadn't thrown his ipod ear buds in at the first chance he got. Rude. Anyways, I fought through his attempts at not communicating with me and upon descending prodded him for information on his voyage to "the land of fanny packs" as I know choose to refer to it. We swapped life stories, family trees, blood type, hopes and dreams and in that conversation I discovered he too was coming over to teach as well. I would like to declare him a friend but we parted without exchanging any information.

After exiting my vessel we were slightly poked and prodded by the health officials then off to immigration where my problems really started. The "nice looking lady" who I thought would buy my story of "traveling" through Korea and the "thats an old Korean visa in my passport" bull shit, I was promptly taken to an interrogation room by a fancy dressed officer gentleman (he didn't have a fanny pack, probably not a true Asian) There I slammed down on an unsturdy aluminum table, white lights in my face as they searched my person for hash as I kindly asked for a glass of water and a cigarette. That would probably have made for a better story but really they just took me into the room, looked over my documents, questioned the hell out of me, tried to call my bluff and finally escorted me out of immigration after one too many bats of the eyelashes. Then I claimed my 3 tons of luggage, schlepped it onto a rolly cart, breezed through customs where I was met by a bouncy man pointing to a sign with my name on it and you guessed it, wearing a fanny pack!!!! He bounded up to me and I stuck my hand out to introduce myself to him, he looked from me to my hand, then did that again, then proceeded to shake my hand sideways like it was a chicken leg he has just dropped in the dirt and wished to continue eating. Then he body checked me away from my rolly cart so his chivalry could take over and he pushed my luggage about 20 yards until we met up with his "friend" fanny pack and all. His friend then took over the chore of sherpa and heaved my crap onto an elevator before distributing me to a cab driver who had pink gerbera daisy plastered all over the walls of his cab and cork boards on the floor. At this point I prayed to whatever God was closest that I was in fact the person they were expecting and they were sending me to the right place. These men did not speak a word of English I may add. The cab driver was a piece of work. He was operating a walkie talkie, cell phone, gps system, and driving a stick shift at the same time. I was impressed and shitting myself at the same time!!! At one point he (while driving) turned around to me in the back seat and started pointing to the trunk over and over again like he needed something from me. After much pointing I figured that he wanted me to pull down the arm rest compartment, which I did and he then started flapping his elbow at me like the was auditioning for the chicken dance. I guess he was pretty hell bend on me using his arm rest cause he finally stopped flapping when I used it. Crazy man. After an hour and lots of screaming in Korean into his walkie talkie I was then transfered into the much more welcoming and capable hands of three women from school. They took me to my apartment and were super sweet. My place is really tiny but I don't need much. My bed is a bit bigger than a twin but not as big as a double and harder than Hercules' ab muscles. I have a tiny kitchen, decent closet, washer (no dryer), desk, tv, a/c, stolen internet and the craziest shower ever. It is just a shower head in the middle of the bathroom so everything gets soaked when I shower. Oh well, it is all part of the experience. More to come.

Next stop

I am heading to Korea. That is all you must know for now. South not North in case you are wondering. I'm no fool.